Preparing Our Children for Marriage

Marriage is a scary word for some, an anticipated word for others.  Little girls dress up in their mothers high heels and put on dresses that won't fit for many years just to pretend to get married-I know I did.  Boys don't seem quite as anxious.

So when is the best time to start preparing our kids for marriage?  Its something we do from the beginning.  Teaching our kids about relationships between friends, siblings, parents and of course Hashem.  Giving, recieving, forgiving, sharing, sympathy, empathy, love for fellow man.  These take years to acquire in the physical world.  The more we have Hashem in our lives, the more He is truly a part of our daily process and not a mere after thought when we or a loved one is ill.

Our kids watch mommy and daddy-the good and the bad-and there is plenty of both in all households.  Kids can learn from the bad too, saying, "Well I will never do that".  They're pretty smart.  In other worlds kids do not need the perfect environment to grow in, they do need love, attention and undertstanding.  They need someone to care, so they will turn around and do the same.  They need to feel they count.  I ask my kids for their opinion on things.  They love this.  They see mommy and daddy asking each other for advice/opinions on things.  As they are growing they know they matter and will turn around and ask the opinion of their spouse.

Where does Hashem fit in all of this? We are not purely physical beings, we have a soul we need to connect to as well, just as we wash our hands and brush our teeth to take care of the physical body, the spiritual us must be nurtured.   We tell our kids now to take advantage of opportunities before they grow up because once they have jobs and a family time is limited for these pursuits.  Other things will take precedence.  The same is true of our spiritual lives, we have to go in with certain things already learned.  While we never should stop learning, there are basics that should be a natural part of our lives before we take on a spouse and family.  It creates a maturity in a relationship, enhances and nourishes the physical, makes it really count.

This year for our homeschooling we are going through a book called Encyclopedia of Biblical Personalities. There is so much to be learned from our ancestors.  An example of things we have taught our kids on the spiritual end are to say modeh ani in the morning, blessings before eating, shema in the morning and at night.  We have access to books in our house, they are visible even if not all of our kids are avid readers now.  We have Jewish things in our home, mezzuzahs in the doorways which we taught them to kiss.  They each have their own Hanukiah which makes the holiday more theirs, as we all get to light.  Reading is great but we must include the doing because it connects the physical with the spiritual.  We go through Psalms and talk about it, usually before bed.  These are not huge time consuming things yet they are spread throughout the day and in everything we do, whether walking through a doorway, eating, or waking up.  There are so many more things but these I have found are easily adaptable to our lives because they connect us to the creator, help us not to forget.

The whole point of the Torah is to change us for the better.  Its great to read and gain insight but then what do we do with it?  If we pass it on to our kids and it turns us into more loving and understanding people who see Hashem's hand in this world then we are doing well.  People in general like the familiar, so while we can say they have free will (yes, true) and can choose to leave certain things behind, this should give us more motivation while they are under our roof and our responsibility.    Proverbs 22 says to train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it.  Our kids may get sidetracked on a winding road, but they will have our teachings (G-d's teachings) to get back on the straight path.

When our children have a possible mate in mind, he will have all of these things as part of his makeup which should help in the choosing.   We are always helping to prepare our children for marriage and life ahead.